Are you repeating the same conflict with a close friend? Learn how to strengthen your friendships. By Leia Gamache.
The success of a relationship is often determined by our ability to see each step of our journey through both "I"s. In every relationship, there are three important energies - the two autonomous individuals and that of the relationship we are co-creating together.
When autonomy is our main focus, our sense of connection becomes diminished. However, if we focus too much on the relationship, it can be at the expense of our individual growth, and we may feel the urge to separate or dominate. We are seeing through only one "I". This dance between autonomy and connection is more or less present in all our relationships; but the need to create balance is most pressing in our close, personal connections. It is in these relationships that we see our true measure — where we shine and where we have yet to heal. After all, no one can lift us up or push our buttons like our closest friends!
When we are in conflict, we need to ask ourselves what we are really defending and why it is so important to win the other person’s support.
Is your conflict about agreements? Many agreements between close friends are unspoken. We sometimes assume that because we are close, we see things through the same lens. Having an open-hearted conversation may help you open both "I"s and create a new shared understanding.
If this seems unattainable, you may be in a co-dependent relationship where you base your state of mind on the perceptions of others. Caring what a person thinks is not the same as depending on them for validation or escape from personal responsibility. In a co-dependent relationship, we look to the other person to fill a need we are not meeting for ourselves. Such is the human condition. We may feel unwilling or unable to respond to our own needs.
Try this simple exercise. Make a list of all of the characteristics of a good friend. Now, for each item on that list ask, "Do I do that for myself?" Where are you failing to meet your own needs and depending on others to complete you?
A healthy relationship that truly nourishes us, is based on a genuine desire to connect and grow together. In this sense, the best relationship is one of shared gifts and not based on what we get from one another. Each step you take to offer yourself the gifts that you seek in friendship, is a step closer to a deeper connection with yourself and others.
©2011 Leia Gamache. All rights reserved. Published with permission on .
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